Attack of the sudsy banditos
by animalbowling
Summary: Harry and Draco have a plot, an evil evil sudsy plot. Mild HPDM intimations of other slash.


"Potter are you insane? Stop bloody giggling they're going to hear us."

Harry giggled nonsensically. "I-I can't help it Malfoy, (more giggles) just _think_ what we're getting ready to do, and you're calling _me_ insane?"

Draco smiled, "Yes, I'm rather proud. Is it ready?"

Harry grinned, "Yes."

"Good, good, here we go. Are you ready?"

"Go on then."

Draco grinned evilly and ran out into the hall screaming. "Potter! How _dare_ you, how dare you lay a finger on me! Help! Help someone help me! Heeeeelllllp!"

Harry rolled his eyes. Draco came back into the room.

"I heard someone coming," he said panting.

"You'd better hope it's not Filch again."

Draco shuddered. "But just think of all the compliments he got last time."

Harry made a retching noise. "I do not care to live through that experience again. So, Malfoy I beg you, if it is Filch again, send me to my death before I realize it."

"Anything for your peace of mind Potter."

"I don't hear steps anymore. Scream moron."

"Oh, right."

"Help me! Oh god someone help me! No! No Potter stop it! Nooo, don't touch me. Don't fucking touch me like that again! You halfblood bastard! Help! Someone help!"

Harry giggled. "You better hope Filch didn't tell him about last time or we're in for the hexing of our _lives_."

"I think he was too mortified. I know I was."

"No kidding. Scream."

"What? Oh… Help me! Professor Snape! Mr. Filch! Professor Mcgonogall! Headmaster! Mrs. Norris! Someone Help me!"

"Bit over the top don't you think?" Harry mumbled.

Draco shrugged.

"Mr. Malfoy, are you in there?"

Harry collapsed in mad silent giggles. Draco had trouble controlling his own. Harry got up and did a furious, but silent, little victory dance.

"Professor, oh thank god profmmmmfff" Draco muffled the last bit with his hand. Still grinning maniacally. He pulled away his hand and gasping said, "Help me professor, help! Pottermmffph."

Harry couldn't help it, he let out a laugh. Draco glared at him until Harry turned it into a semi-evil cackle. Draco nodded approvingly.

"Potter! What are you doing! Draco, don't worry Draco I'm coming. I, there's some sort of odd charm on the door. Potter I swear to god if you hurt my godson I'm going to kill you myself. Voldemort and Dumbledore be damned!"

Harry moved into position behind the door and pulled out his wand, he motioned to Draco to continue.

"P-," Draco gasped, "Pine Fresh, Professor."

Snape bellowed "PINE FRESH!" and burst into the prefect's bathroom.

What followed next was all a blur, Draco was there but Snape saw no Potter and what was… he blacked out. He woke up to the sound of Draco's giggling.

"Harry! Harry, he's waking up. Get his boots off."

_What?_ Snape thought, _what the hell…_

"I can't, they're sodding locked or something."

"Locked? Don't be stupid Harry. Stand aside."

"Yah, go at it ponce. I'd like to see you do better."

"Oh, Potter, I'm _always_ better than you."

Harry stuck out his tongue.

Snape tried to speak but found himself totally immobilized. _This will seriously interfere with my glare, _he thought.

"Professor?" Harry said, "Don't worry professor, we're not evil or anything."

"Speak for yourself Potty. I'm perfectly evil. Just not in that whole death eater, Voldie way."

"Capitulated."

"Ooooh, big words from such a small, small man." Draco taunted.

"Do shut up and get his socks off, Drayyyy."

"I've told you not to!" Draco fumed, raising his wand.

"Uh uh," Harry wagged his finger, "you called me Potty."

Draco pouted. "You could at least come up with a witty nickname for me."

"I'll try later."

"Yeah, all right. Get his shirt would you? God can believe he wears three layers of clothes?" Draco asked.

"Uhm, yeah." Harry answered.

"True."

_Oh, dear god. They're taking my clothes off. _Not that Snape missed the obvious discrepancy of Potter and Malfoy being friends all of the sudden. Or the odd way they bantered with each other like… like…_he didn't want to even think about it_, he was just a little more concerned about his incipient nudity.

"God, finally!" Harry breathed.

"Jesus." Draco commented.

"Hmm yeah," Harry said, "and Mary and Joseph and the Holy Spirit too."

"Amen." Draco said.

_Oh, well, hmm. They liked what they were seeing then? Maybe… Well and why shouldn't they? Snape preened mentally. I look very good for a, uhm, 37 year old. I do. _

"Right," said Harry, "Into the tub."

_WHAAAATTT? NONoNononononononononono._

"Ugh, immediately, if not sooner," Draco said.

_Well, how bloody RUDE._

Harry giggled. "I say we're gonna be glad we brought the extra bottle of you-know-what."

Draco hummed, and picked up a lank piece of Snape's hair. "Yes, most definitely."

_Nooooooooooooooooooooooooo_!

Snape was feeling decidedly, well, pine fresh. Not to mention scrubbed raw, pruny, trimmed, and minty clean. He was presently propped up between two sinks, dressed in the most horrible clothing imaginable. The only good thing he could say about it was that most of it was black. The pants, they were abominable, tight, and they squeaked when he was moved. He could only imagine what they would be like when he attempted to walk in them. The shirt was tight, but well he was used to that, what with wearing three shirts under his robes as a precaution against accidental spills. _This_ shirt though, was also sort of _itchy_, no doubt some sort of muggle fabric or animal hair specifically chosen by these two hooligans to torment him. He had his boots back, bless that, but he was worried about what was going on with those wands and his hair. Something felt weird.

"Draco, that's too bloody long it'll get in his potions. It has to be just long enough for this." Harry said, brandishing a black leather strap.

"Ok, ok, I just wanted to see it. So hex me."

Harry growled.

"Joke, Potter. Don't get excited."

Harry sighed. "Look, those pants are just…wrong. (Snape mentally said a hurrah for the boy-who-lived) They should be softer, not this vinyl shit but nice soft dulled leather."

Draco looked surprised. "You're so right, fix it."

_Leather!_ Snape was horrified, he was going to be pawed to death by McGonogall if she saw him in this. He felt his brain shudder at the thought. _Ow._ Ohh, but the pants Harry had transfigured from the horrible squeaky monstrosities really felt much better, they were looser and hung lower on his hips, they were so soft against his skin. _Oh gods, I'm not wearing underpants! Oh, Oh, OH SHIT._

"Oh, our professor likes _those_." Draco winked at Harry. "I bet if he could talk he'd give his first ever points to Gryffindor. As head boy I feel the need to speak for him. Twenty points to Gryffindor for bringing the professor to attention Potter."

Harry took a bow.

"You know Potter, Cashmere is wrong on him too."

"What do you suggest?"

"Hmm, how about dark grey, long sleeves. Cotton?"

Harry looked thoughtful. "Yeah, but how about this?" he said pointing his wand at Snape's chest. The light grey cashmere sweater transformed to a simple long-sleeved tee and sank into a dusky inky grey that was close to black. Tiny silver snakes moved over his chest and up and down his arms, faintly glowing metallic.

"Wicked Potter. Mmm nice."

Harry smiled, and drooled a little over his handiwork. Grabbing the hair tie he gathered Snape's clean and now-slightly-below-the-shoulder hair into a low slung ponytail and tied it off. Draco painted Snape's stained nails black. Finally, they topped it all off with a simple black cloak, clasped with metal fangs. When they were done they stood back to survey their masterpiece.

"Well, what do you think?" Draco asked.

"I did tell you that it would be amazing." Harry said.

"I didn't believe you."

"Tell me how wonderful I am."

"Mmm later, when you've earned it." Draco leered.

"Right, so we should go. He's gonna be able to move in about ten minutes," Harry said, glancing at his wizard's watch.

"Shit! Well, where's you-know-who?" Draco asked.

"Dunno, should we owl your father and ask?"

Draco smacked Harry on the back of the head. "You know which you-know-who-I-mean, you, you-know-what."

Harry giggled and pulled what looked like a scrap of parchment out of his pocket. "Shit! He's on his way. Come on." They both ran for the door and disappeared.

As they ran down the hallway, Snape heard Draco ask, "Harry, do you think we should just get some dolls?"

_Well holy hell. I'm dressed like a moron and I'm waiting for him_, _whoever him was. Though, if him was who he thought he was…oh god this was ridiculous and he was going to murder his own godson tomorrow, that was depressing. At least he'd get to murder the golden boy at the same time. Maybe they'd still be in bed and he could murder them in flagrante. That would be poetic justice for this._

Snape heard the whispered password outside the door and saw it begin to move inward on its hinges right as he was getting the feeling back in his arms and legs. To effect, he was finally standing upright on his own in an awkward pose when the mysterious you-know-who, walked in.

"Snape?" he sounded surprised.

"Yes," Snape said, and cleared his throat. "What brings you here Lupin?"


End file.
